Laugh a little
Eternal Jewish Truths of Your Grandmother's Talmud
o The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.
o If you can’t say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
o If it tastes good, it’s probably not Kosher.
o No one looks good in a yarmulke.
o Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
o WASPS leave and never say goodbye, Jews say goodbye and never leave.
o Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
o Israel is the land of milk and honey; North London is the area of milk of Magnesia.
o Never pay retail.
o Its always a bad hair day if you’re bald.
o No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry but then again, no one leaves with a hangover.
o The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
o So what’s so wrong with dry turkey?
o Always whisper the names of diseases.
o One Mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
o If you don’t eat, it will kill me.
o Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
o Where there’s smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
o Never take a front row seat at a bris.
o Next year in Jerusalem, the year after that, how about a nice cruise?
o Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
o A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
o A schmata is a dress that your husband’s ex is wearing.
o Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
o Before you read the menu, read the prices.
o There comes a time in every man’s life when he must stand up and tell his mother he’s an adult. This usually happens at around 45.
o According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
o Tsouris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn’t Jewish.
o If you’re going to whisper at the movies, make sure it’s loud enough for everyone to hear
o What business is a yenta in? Yours.
o If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it.
o But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.